Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
