I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
