a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So much Jack, so little girl.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
