you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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