I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
