I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
