I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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