Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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