There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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