Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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