i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
