Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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