I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize