At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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