Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
so much tequila, so little girl.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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