I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize