i love accidental penises.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize