God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
