you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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