First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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