so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
