No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
