Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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