i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
