I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
