JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think my moral compass just broke
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
