Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
