You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
cat food counts as protein by the way
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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