You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
