Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
