On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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