I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
