Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
