The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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