To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
