Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
