She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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