she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
