i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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