no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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