That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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