Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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