Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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