i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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