I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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