I just threw up on my dentist
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize