this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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