May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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