we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she smelled like a LAN party
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
