remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
whose ass print is on the piano?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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