my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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