when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
