If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
