dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
