and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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