laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
