Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You pole danced in your parka.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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